allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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