My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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