Do you still have your period?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize