Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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