Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
