Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
