dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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