I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
