Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize