The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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