i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
