I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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