Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
