oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
