Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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