Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
