yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
