some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
