I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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