I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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