I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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