I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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