i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
