I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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