I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
