I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i love accidental penises.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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