Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
