you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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