Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
