So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
