remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
