If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
