I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
