i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
