I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
