can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
