Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
