Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We left an ass print on the piano.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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