i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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