i just sent this text using only my big toe
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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