He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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