So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
