Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
