1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
