How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
this hospital has no fireball
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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