Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
