DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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