After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
