My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
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