My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Is it because I queefed?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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