smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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