I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Randomize
