my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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