i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize