What did we do last night that was yellow?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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