I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
